Julz's Page Of Wisdom

So I thought I'd chill out to a movie since it's been a hectic day, made the mistake of buying this movie called 'Defiance', anyway, I couldn't read the back because Sainsbury's staff are retarded and need a lesson in labelling. But I thought I saw a trailer for it ages ago so I bought it anyway. It didn't cost much.
World War II film, about this guy can't remember his name [considering I spent about 2 hours of hearing his name], saving a load of jews, being a jew himself, hiding in a forest. Well, if I'd known that I wouldn't have bought it. Shindler's List was bad enough. Add another feel sorry for the jews film and you start not only hating the Nazis, but also the Jews.
War films [which are based on real events] really get me depressed then angry. I hate the time I live in, I wouldn't want to live in a different time cause well you had the rich people and then the peasants. It wasn't right. I would have liked to be born 60 years ago, cause then I wouldn't have missed the golden age of music. Everyone was about peace and had their own personalities and minds, and I'd probably be dead by now so I wouldn't have to suffer this time, having picked up AIDs from someone in the 60s or 70s.
Everyone's so passive. It's like technology and materialistic items have sucked the personality out of my generation. All anyone's interested in is TV, or the new shirt they saw and wanted, or their body and making themself look good to just go out and get smashed. And everyone is the same: at this point in time, everyone hates the Labour government, they all think they're so original for hating the Labour government, but they're not! They're following each other like sheep! Wake up:- get a mind! get some of your own opinions and stop saying shit when you know nothing about it!
Everyone thinks their so perfect, and what's not perfect about them they hide so deep inside them that it's really hard to see. Everyone has bad points! I have bad points! I'm constantly admitting to them because I don't care, at least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I have bad points that I can't and never will be able to change! That's a fact of everyone. I'm still respectful and thoughtful of others though, I don't treat people like shit just because I can.

When people meet me, I am different, some don't like it, because I don't hide who I am, if they want someone fake they should find someone else, there's plenty out there! Just cause other people conform into social roles, doesn't mean I am going to, since when did hiding your personality become right? Since when did slagging people off become right? Since when did not telling someone that their jokes are bad become right? How can you say what's right and wrong if you're not hurting anyone?
It's so hard to know people anymore, cause everyone hides behind this big fucking social conformity wall. I'm not totally againt conformity: you need to conform to a role of an employee, or a student, or a friend. That's different. But with your friends, that should be who you actually are. And when I do know who someone is, they open up to me, and I don't like what I see, they seem to want to change cause they see how I behave, how I am. But I don't want to teach someone how to change.
I'm not a teacher. I want to meet people, and like them for who they are when I meet them.

I'm not everybody's fucking shrink!
How can people not see before they meet me that the way they are is wrong and is not going to bring long term happiness? Hell, it's not even bringing short term happiness. That they have to get drunk every time they go out with their friends, that they have to achieve to be respected, that they have to have a family of their own to be normal and have a happy life.
Having a family is about sex! It's a fucking instinct! It's animalistic! That's not who you are - that's not your personality. Can any one really explain to me why they would want to bring a baby into THIS world? Cause I don't think you can! It's a bloody instinct, you can reason it out all you like, but that's all it is.
And people go on about how much more intelligent we are to other animals. People spend their entire lives trying to put explanations behind instinctive actions. If you want to give into your instinct, that's fine. But why put words to it? I'm at that point in my life where my body wants to have sex, I want to fuck, but I don't give into it cause that's not who I am. That's my choice. I've given into addictive tendancies in the past, I'm not saying I'm better than anybody.
I'm just saying be honest.

But that's far too much to ask in this day and age.

-Julia

I've been pretty confused the past few days, which sucks cause I'm normally very sure of myself. I'm not going to sit here and think there's loads of shit wrong with me, what's wrong with morals? I know I've got stuff wrong with me, cause life's a constant battle in my head. But how do you change someone's way of thinking? I'm not on about outlook, I'm on about the actual way they think. Since I was young I've been very analytical, obviously it's progressed with time as I've matured and experienced and learned more. I mean how do you change that?
I can't remember, this might not be correct, but one of the great philosophers said that freedom and self enlightenment comes from analysis. It was obviously in different words, it was a long time since I read it. I don't exactly agree or disagree with that. I don't analyse because of that, like I said, it's been there since I was young. It's an automatic thing which happens in my brain. A lot of the time I'm unconscious of everything I analyse, I only focuse on one thing at once, but if I go back and remember or think about it, I think of all the questions I made, and potential answers. This might be a reason why I remember so well.
You know what irritates me about my mother and other people who probably don't think much during conversation? They don't give me enough time to reply, it's like 'bla bla bla bla bla' very slight pause 'bla bla bla bla', you know, I think before I talk so I don't say things instantly, I don't react instantly.
I've been thinking about it, my reaction to events and comments can be inappropriate. One time, my cousin had this friend who had this dog, my cousin looked after the dog for a week while they went away. Anyway, it was a few months later, I can't remember, it all happened around the time of my breakdown, she told me that the dog died, and I immediately laughed. To me, death is funny if it's not someone I know and care about. I didn't like the dog anyway, I'd just made myself a cup of coffee and the dog came in wagging it's huge tail around and got loads of dog hair in my coffee. My cousin didn't appreciate me laughing and I had to immediately correct myself.
I can't help my reactions, nothing really touches me. Nothing bothers me. Even if it's a friend who's having troubles, it doesn't really bother me, I sit there and offer them advice, tell them what I'd do [though, my approach to things is usually undesireable for most]. I'd only get bothered if my friends were really upset, crying. And then I wouldn't know what to do, offer them a cigarette even though they don't smoke probably. I've taken to hugging them even though I don't like hugging.
If anyone else came to me really upset, I wouldn't care, in fact, I'd go out of my way to avoid them in the future because I'd see it as inappropriate, and how dare they think they can put their shit onto me? Who do they think I am? Mother Theresa? It is inappropriate if I don't know them well enough, they should go to someone else. I'm not going to sit there and do something I don't want to do for someone I don't even care about. [I'd do it at the time, but like I said, I'd avoid them afterwards and probably never talk to them again].
I only do things I really don't want to do, I don't even get a good feeling inside from doing them, for my close friends. Anyone else can forget it. I only do truly altruistic acts for friends. And anyway, with these people, if they come to you once and you let them and don't avoid them, they keep coming to you, sucking you like a leech. Putting all their problems and emotional shit onto you. It's as bad as someone using you for your money, no it's worse. Because they're fucking with your emotional health.

I don't mind being more tolerant, more accepting of others, but if they start fucking with me, I'll accept them etc. but they can fuck off. I'm not a councellor and I don't want to be. I don't want to help people, unless I consciously choose to do so, which I don't usually. People have put their deepest darkest shit onto me time and time again and I'm sick of it. I have so much of other peoples shit in my head it's untrue. And I've learnt that these people don't want help, don't want to get over the shit. They just want to sit there and wallow in misery with someone else who'll be like 'aww, poor you'. I refuse to do it.
No one has ever done it for me.
For me it's always 'get over it'. My problems, thoughts, feelings have been undermined at every angle, that I feel insignificant.

I was reading up on personality disorders, and there are these thoughts for one that are apparantly 'wrong' thoughts: Making decisions by oneself; not getting involved; independance; knowledge; privacy; leisure. How are they wrong? Anyway, who deems what's wrong and right in a way of thought for Gods sake? It's different for everyone. Independance is for definate good. I mean, if your 40 and still living at your mums house then your seen as a bit of a moron.
Anyway, I need another cup of tea.

-Julia

Ok, so I was researching personality disorder to disprove that I have one, of course. It's like, after the first time I got admitted to the psychiatric unit, I picked up a text book on mental illness so I can argue with whoever. I guess I'm just a bit of a wind up merchant who doesn't like being lablled.
What made me question that I might actually have one is this: apparently on of the traits that might be in people with borderline personality disorder is sadomasochism. And well, I'm a masochist, and unactive one -_-' Then again, I do find sex kind of pointless, I fluctuate between wanting to have a partner to have sex with, to just getting it out of my mind on my own. It all seems so pointless, you do all that, change into a different person for an orgasm that doesn't even last that long, and afterwards you feel empty?
So yeah, I had to sit here, and type down all the traits of borderline and then compair myself, I've decided that no, I don't think I have it, I have some traits but not enough. Then I can come across as narcissistic personality disorder, cause I'm always making arrogant statements and telling people I'm special and don't they want to be like me? But I'm joking. As soon as someone starts seriously agreeing with me I run away haha. What a turn off, in a partner relationship or friendship way.
So basically, I have shit wrong with me, as does everyone, it has and does affect my life more than others. Which is why I'm a registered mental haha. There are things I could change about myself or maybe some views I hold could be changed. Most of them are defense mechanisms I've built up to protect myself from any hurt.
For example, I'm very unaccepting and unforgiving of other people's faults. This will obviously prevent if they made a mistake and hurt me by accident. None of my few friends give me any shit. All they do is make me happy, and if they've got shit in their heads I listen as they do for me. But we don't lie to each other and we respect each other.
I'm starting to change my view that people suck. I'm just saying, it's not their fault the way they've adapted to live in this world. Yeah, the western world could be better, more moralistic and caring, the fact of the matter it's not, there's no point in delving into the whys anymore, I can't change it, it does bother me, not as much, but it does a bit. The fact of it is: no one I've met single handedly changed the western world into what it is now, they're just trying to survive too, adapting to how it is.
I can't hate them for it. It's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault.
It doesn't mean I'd want to get close to them though. I wouldn't want to get close at all. The most I can do is be polite to them and even go so far as to enquire into their life.
Apart from that, they don't mean much to me.
I'm going to take a chance, I just need to find the right person. I'm going to find someone to lean on when I'm feeling down. Someone to cheer me up. No one I know at the minute is appropriate. But the point is, I have decided that I will take that chance if/when it arises. You can never be 100% certain, but you can be pretty certain about the person.
I'm very careful about who I let into my life. Because I give it my all with all my friends/other. I'm careful who I let see the person behind the best of me. I'm the best I can be all the time, even when I feel really down, I make people see me at my best.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's who I am at my best, and isn't that who everyone wants to be all the time? I'm very careful who I let see the vulnerable side of me.
I've been hurt a lot in the past, and I think being careful is a good quality to have. It's about self-preservation. I think everyone has it. Sometimes some people never let anyone see who they are, the vulnerable them.
I can't believe I almost let my guard down to a stranger today, I let something wind me up when it shouldn't have. There's a difference between not taking shit and getting wound up. That also made me question myself, stupidly. I'm not wrong, I know that. I know the way I am isn't wrong because everywhere with everyone it's celebrated. People feel an immediate connection and trust me. There's definately not anything wrong with who I am.
I just need to be more accepting of others and let someone in.
Just because I can be who I am sober. ^_^
Though, no one ever does much to my ego, I don't want to be discouraged, but to be encouraged as much as I am, well, eventually I'm going to think I am THE God. And people who aren't impressed by me I just go on even more about how amazing I am and wind them up til eventually they might find it funny, and that in itself is an encouragment, ah well, I guess I just have to accept that I am amazingly brilliant. What a burden.
XD
Not really. I'm just a piss taker.
Too bad women don't like me for it. As a friend I mean. Most women my age are more insecure about things that don't really bother me so much: looks; wieght; being liked; appearnces i.e. being appropriate according to the situation. I no longer bother about these superficial things and just do and say what I want. I am careful not to hurt people though, unless they deserve it. I do and say what I want so long as it doesn't hurt someone else I don't think deserves it. So I guess I could make other women my age more insecure and unsure of how to be around me.
If it was like the olden days they'd have all been married off and no reason to be insecure.
But then again, so would I. Be married off.
I'm so glad I live in a time and society where women are equal [at least in law] to men.
Ah, anyway, I'm off, gunna find something to do, maybe watch something, eat if I feel like it.

-Julia

I had a really od phone call last night. Well, I suppose odd is the wrong word, it seemed odd, the content anyway. It was a friend from where I used to live, a next door neighbour, he'd fallen out with me for no reason 2 weeks before I moved out. Anyway, so my phone rang and I answered it and it was him, and he said basically the reason he'd fallen out with me is cause he started liking me that way.
Do you think I need to change my personality so I become a bitch and get cometic surgery to make myself really ugly? Cause all this is starting to piss me off. It's like, every guy I meet likes me like that. Yeah, it's good for my ego, but my ego doesn't need any more encouragement, I'm already incredibly arrogant.
Anyway, I said to him that I'd never like him like that, but we could be friends so long as he knew that. And so long as he didn't hurt me like that again. And he agreed to that, so he'll probably come visit me at my apartment some time soon. I did really like him as friends, he's funny.
I swapped numbers with this other guy, so hopefully we'll become friends. Maybe meet on Monday.
Anyway, short post, I need more tea.

-Julia

It's been unusually busy today, so went to see my doctor, got some chill pills. Ah, my lack of appetite might be due to a combination of the medications I'm on, suggested taking me down on one, I said nah, don't want to be messing with my brian chemicals right now. Even though I don't think they work, they probably fuck with something that could send me on a downer. Plus lack of appetite is good in my diet. I guess this kind of lack of diet could be slightly dangerous, but hey, I'm not dead yet!
I was saying to Damon about using sweetner instead of sugar, and how sweetner ups your chance of cancer. In America they actually have warnings on sweetner: may cause cancer. If I get cancer I'm going to sue the sweetner companies in England for not putting warnings on! Haha.
I said to him though, I'd rather be dead than fat. Haha, not really, ok, I'd rather be dead than obese. A bit of fat's not worth dying about. To be honest, I don't really care. I just say these sorts of things to piss other people off and make myself laugh.
I'd rather be dead than alive.
Hmm, actually I don't know, if I was in a constant state of amusement in death, then maybe it'd be better than life. You know, like completely unaware of anything except the fact that I find something really funny. Then again, it could get really boring for eternity. And if I still had ribs they'd probably start hurting after a day.
I don't know what's after death, so I'll just enjoy life as much as I can. I hope I get 76 virgins. Not really, they'd be shit XD
I was talking to Damon today about Christianity. I was saying that they had the wrong idea of making God look like an old peadophile, how's that supposed to inspire you to be good to go to heaven? I don't think most Christians are actually looking forward to heaven, cause it looks incredibly boring, ruled by a peado, I think they just live by the bible so they don't go to hell. Hmm, eternal damnation, or eternal boredom? Most pick the latter. Wouldn't it be funny if there was a God, and after I die he actually comes to the gate to ask me personally why I think he's a peadophile as his eyes glance at the children behind him. You know, the Islamic terrorists had the best idea: tell them they'll get however many virgins when they die. That'll inspire them. I don't get it though, the thought of the Christian heaven would put me off Christianity.
What would be my heaven? Say, a thoasand years of nothingness, hmm, but then I wouldn't know it was nothingness cause I'd be nothing, it'd be like being put under anesthetic. Ok, my idea of heaven if I couldn't pick nothingness: How it is now, except without all the people I dislike [i.e. most of the world], everything's free, and the weather would fluctuate between mild and sunny. Oh yeah, we could still get hold of new movies and TV series from the rest of the world though.
Fuck it, I'll just have 78 none-virgins and be done with it.
XD Nah, I don't like sex much really. I could do without.
Imagine if you get down to hell, and you're like to the Devil, 'how about if I can give you the best sex you've ever had, you'll let me go to heaven?' And the Devil's like 'Hmm, I doubt you'll be better than Princess Diana, but I'll let you give it a shot'. So anyway, you give him the best sex he's had since time began, then he won't let you go to heaven cause he's in love with you and crowns you queen of hell?
That'd be pretty awsome.
How offensive am I?
I'm trying extra hard today, because not enough people read my last offensive blog.
I'm just trying to find people who can laugh about anything too. Everyone's too uptight nowadays, they need to chill out. Life's about laughing. You know an uptight arsehole who's 40 and doesn't have any laugh lines.
Oh wait! That's my mum! Not really, my mum has laugh lines, I just thought that was a good line, I could have said: Oh wait! That's your mum! But I don't know who your mum is, in fact, I don't know who you are, so fuck it.
Anyway, gunna go watch a DVD and chill.

-Julia

I'm up too early, it was late last night when I set my alarm, so I set it an hour earlier than I should have. Oh well, I guess I can drink more tea and coffee. I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist today, I'm going to ask for something to calm me down. I was thinking seriously about taking those sleeping tablets the other day. Have you ever been so hurt you've puked? That was how bad I felt. Then some therapy, then I'm going to meet Damon and chill out, talking of he's online now, but not responding, he obviously accidently left his computer on over night.
This Turkish guy I met years ago started talking to me again last night over MSN, I had delited him as we hadn't spoken for ages. I used it as an opportunity to go on about how amazing I am and make myself feel better haha. This guys incredibly arrogant though, you know, I'm joking or just going to the extreme when I'm being arrogant, he actually means it. He thinks he's so good at sex it'd be wrong to marry and leave himself for only one woman.
I don't like Turkish men. They're all perverted. And whenever you go to Turkey and you're looking around the 'shops', they're all like 'What is your name?' and it's like 'Piss off. Get some education so you can get your own British visa.' I think the Turks ruin Turkey. Turkey would be a great holiday if there were Turks there hassling you every where you go. They take customer service to an extreme, when it becomes bad manners, being way too friendly.
My father took me to Turkey in 07 when I moved back in with him, to make me feel better. It resulted in making me feel worse. Anyway, we were staying at a hotel, and I was cutting my arm etc. Now, I'm not a cutter, never have been, when I cut I hope to die. It's only when I'm suicidal. So anyway, me and my father are sitting on one of the tables in the cafe bit of the hotel. And one of the Turkish waiters comes up to us and is like to my father: 'I think she's crazy' pointing to me, then putting his finger to his head and spinning it round, and I at first look at him in shock that he had the nerve to come up and say that on the job. Then I'm looking at him in absoloute hatred. And my father's saying 'Go away, just push off, we're trying to have a conversation here'.
After that holiday I despise the Turks. I didn't like them from the holidays before, but after that I despise them.
Also, the cleaners threw away all my underwear thinking it was rubbish the thick twats.
So it was not a good holiday.
I haven't had a good holiday for years.
Next time I'm going to go away on my own.

I'm getting tired again, mentally. Tired of meeting new people and thinking they might be alright. Tired of thinking. I just wanna chill out, times like these it would be great to have a drink. But, it's not a good idea for me since I can't just have one. So I'm stuck with sobriety.
You know what's pissing me off about this website? The fact that people add me as a friend so that they can look popular, never send me an actual personal message and probably never check out my blog, but think that I could give a shit about theirs, so they're sending me [and probably loads of other people who couldn't give a shit], messages to read their blog. But it's not like they've even written the messages themselves. I've already delited one person having had enough. After this blog I'm going to delite another who keeps actually thinking I could care about her or her petty little life.
This site is for people who are unpopular in real life and have no friends.
The reason I haven't made any more is because every guy I meet nowadays wants more than friendship. I'm not unpopular in real life, I'm not unattractive, I just come here to get shit off my mind.
So please, stop thinking I'm interested in you. Sometimes I have to pretend I'm even interested in some thing my friends say, if you want me to give a shit you should get to know me personally. Other wise, piss off. I'm not wasting time and effort on you, which could quite easily go on some one who's worth it.
Ah, now I've got that out in the open.

My legs not looking good. It's not going to look good for a while. It might never look good. Oh well, at least it's winter. At least it's not my arm. That's what happens when you're not right in the head. It's ridiculous, you'd think after Tuesday I'd have people around helping etc. I don't. Cause I haven't told anyone. Cause I don't trust anyone.
Anyway, I gotta go tidy up and get another cup of tea.

-Julia

The Unwavering Tide

I wrote on my leg today,
Wrote down my pain,
All the things that people say.
The little lies,
Which poisons the atmosphere around their bodies,
Around their eyes.
What is life?
If, but a lie. Based on a truth-
Or a lie unknown.
People plaster the pavement with their
Salivated chewing gum.
Spat out of their tranquil tongues,
For a war is not calming;
For an affair is not nice;
For a wrong is not right:
We are taught to learn from history
(Personal or otherwise),
But people have become such
Expert
Liars,
That they lie to themselves.
To me.
A sea of misunderstanding
Breaks through the already impure sand of my mind,
And withdraws.
The tide crashes down.
The tide withdraws.

Until I am left writing on my leg
In
Blood.
The deeds that have been done-
The hurt that has been caused-
The heart that has been broken.

And will never
Survive.

By Julia Pithie

-I am not feeling good today.

8:30 and I'm already hyper off coffee. I really want to blast out this song but it's not even 10 yet.
AND I TRY
I CAN'T GET NO
- coughs - ANYWAY
Ah I have an appointment at therapy today. Joy. Then afterwards I'm meeting Damon in town, will probably get more buzzed off more caffiene. I honestly don't know why my body hasn't given out yet. I need to go to Sainsbury's today, oh damn, I left the laundry in the tumble dryer all night, now it's gunna be creased to shit. It's one of the few things I don't want to iron: bedding. Oh well, I'll go and assess the damage in a bit.
I need to pick up some stuff from Sainsbury's, mainly cleaning stuff. Oh and margarine. I've been using mayonnaise as margarine on my sandwiches, I'm not too fond of mayonnaise, because back years ago when I was 15, I was eating these magic mushrooms I ordered right, and I didn't bother drying them cause I thought I'd have more of a trip, since all the juice was getting into my system quicker, so anyway, they were the worse tasting things I've ever eaten, and I got some mayonnaise to take away the taste.
It didn't. It just made me hate mayonnaise.
The lowest amount of magic mushroom you could order was 30 g, it's recommend to only take 10 g the first time you try them, well I got up to 25 g before I gave up since the taste was proper rank. The trip lasted for about 4 hours though. It was amazing, but I wouldn't do it again. I could see how it'd be really dangerous if you had a bad trip.
Huh. This guy who's usually quite pleasant was talking really dirty to me last night. And would I go out with him? He just wants to have sex with me, so I'm a bit errrr. Nah. I said, if you just want to have sex, to go out on a friday night and find someone. He said maybe he wants me, a conversation afterwards. He's funny, I'll give him that.
I woke up today and my muscles were aching. Muscles in my arms that I didn't think I had haha. Can only be a good thing.

I was thinking yesterday, that how if you love someone, and rely on them for emotional health, you loose a little or even a big part of yourself. You become what they want you to be, and if you don't it's a constant fight. That's how it was like with my parents and me. The thing which I believe, most people don't love you as you are, they love their version of you. This is completely true with my parents, they only love the good parts of me. But when you love someone you love the good and the bad. You have to love it all. It's not truly love otherwise. Most people I've found of incapable of loving both the good and the bad. Everyone has bad attributes that they can't change, but which actually makes them who they are.
It's seeking out the bad parts of someone when you first meet them, to see if you can put up with it, if you don't mind it. There's no point in avoiding it, because no one's perfect, and if someone was, you probably wouldn't want to know them because they'd bring you down. People would call me a pessimist for seeking out the bad in people, I don't think it's that, it's just being realistic, because there's no point in continuing the friendship with the person if your avoiding thinking something about them which you can't stand, which would in fact hurt you.
I try to never blind myself when I meet someone, no matter how much I like them on first impressions.
I think divorces happen because people fall in love too quickly. Falling in love is all well and good, but you've got to be realistic. Marriage is this: I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But then it leads on to more complex questions, can I live with them? Will I always feel attracted to them? Are there certain unattractive qualities that I could eventually find disgusting? Can I put up with their annoying little habits? Do we like to do the same things with our spare time? Do we both have the same dreams/wants? Will I always find things to talk about with them? What political party do they support? Have we both got the same morals? It goes on and on.
People fall in love and marry. There's not much thought into it. Which is why there's so many divorces.
I don't think I could be that certain about someone that I'd marry them. It's too much of a risk. Quite often divorces cost more than the wedding. And anyway, I wouldn't want to loose my independance. I would want to be seen as 'Julia and Chris' or 'Julia and Stephen'. I want to be seen as 'Julia'. I'm my own person and that's how it should always be.
Same goes for whoever. But people like to be part of groups, or to belong. I guess that's why people rush into relationships and marriages. We're all so alone and we're just searching for someone to be alone with. The simple fact of the matter: You are alone. You will always be alone. No one will ever be able to penetrate through that wall called your head and join you inside your brain, inside your mind. The only thing you can do is to distract yourself from being alone. But it will always remain that you are alone and always will be.
In a way, I don't expect anything from people, in a way I expect a lot. I don't expect anything in that when I first meet someone they could be anyone, you know? I start to expect things from people when I actually start caring, when I think they might be worth it. So if I expect things from someone it's a good thing. If I don't expect things from someone it's a bad thing, it means I don't really care. I don't think much of them.
Anyway, I've rambled long enough, I need another coffee and to change the tune.

-Julia

I've switched from tea to coffee, as I'm now fully on my diet. I can't drink tea without sugar, and it's probably worse with sweetner than without. So I can't have my cups of tea, so I'm going to drink coffee, as I can stand that with a little bit of sweetner. I have to do 2 bad things for myself a day, or else I start feeling healthy haha. So it's caffiene and cigarettes. If I didn't do say caffiene then I'd probably start drinking alcohol again. It's the lesser of 2 evils. Though caffiene does have an anti-toxic thing in it. So it can be good for you in small amounts. But I don't do small amounts of anything.
I went out bike riding today with my cousin. My throat felt red raw and I felt sick by the end. My stomach is hurting also for some reason, but it feels like an ache you have when you strain yourself. Ah well, my cousin said it would be easier the next time, and the time after that and on. So hopefully I shall be at least fittish by Christmas, and lost a good half a stone, maybe a stone, I could proper kill myself and get down to 10 stone, but well, I can't be bothered.
I am feeling actually slightly more healthy than usual today after the bike ride, like oxygen's going through my body better than usual. Usual I think it probably goes round really slow, due to cigarettes, I think I smoke more than breathe haha.
Who needs oxygen when you've got tobbaco?
I've decided that blogs are for people who are unpopular in real life. It's their chance to shine. In fact, most the internet is about that. I have my blog to sort out my thoughts, and to possible offend people who read it. I admit I don't have much of a social life, but it's out of choice. Then again, I was writing yesterday about how I should be more tolerant of others, I actually slightly believe that now. Be more tolerant, but just as careful.
Can't blame those that become the way they are because of the world we live in.
I guess I just think everyone should be as strong as me. I've never lost sight of the morals I took on as a child. And yeah, I think offensive things I can say to people all the time, but I rarely do, because someone has to give me a lot of reason to be harsh. They have to push me and push me. Most of the time.
Though, if someone's sick to one of my friends I'll flip just like that.

Back to the sucject of the internet, it's one's chance to be vain. I'm vain, I admit it, I'm vain in real life, I'm always saying stuff like 'My own wit amazes me.' well, to be honest, I take negative attributes and exagerate them. Everything that's negative about me is exagerrated to the point where it's funny. But yeah, we live in this day where no one's special, in fact, no has ever been special, everyone wants to be special I think, you know, to be different, not just different though, better.
For a religious person it's easy, they just think God's watching them all the time, in that way they're special, this big ulmighty thing is watching me because I'm part of His plan. For athiests it's more difficult, we believe this is one big mess. There's nothing special about that, or about me.
I am different to a lot of other people because I'm completely honest all the time, in real life too. I'm also different because not many people would get out of the sort of mental illness I had, the say strength of it, the severity. Most people would have it for the rest of their lives. Mental illness is one of the hardest things to get out of. At my lowest I've cut my throat and ordered 120 sleeping tablets. To get out of that and be how I am now takes stength and lots of questioning, and pain. Not many people could hack it. See, mental illness and drugs/alcohol go hand in hand a lot of the time, sometimes the drugs/alcohol might have brought it on, I won't say 'caused' it, because you're more exposed to it than others, or you drink or do drugs to get rid of the mental illness.
So when things start getting too hard you turn to the drink or the drugs.
I've been completely sober for over 8 months. I could have easily gone back to the alcohol in the summer. It would have been the easy thing to do, I wanted to. But I didn't. Can you see what I'm getting at? Most people turn back to whatever when things get really hard, I'm not calling them cowards, because it's not just hard, it's intense mental suffering, it's memories you don't want to have. It's difficult shit.
Anyway, I got interrupted by my mother coming round for a cup of tea, can't be bopthered to keep on writing.

-Julia

So I spent today catching up on sleep. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.
You know what's weird? How people open up to me like that. Guess it's cause I'm completely honest. In a way I do like the fact that people trust me, but in a way I don't want to hear all their problems. Cause so few people have anyone they can trust, anyone they can talk about anything with, so when they find someone they can, it's like all the shit comes out straight away. I guess that's why people would value me as a friend, but then I withdraw so easily. I don't care about people easily. Cause everyone's spent so long in this cruel world, they can't help but be cruel themselves, and when they slip up a few times I cut them off.
Maybe I should be more tolerant.
I don't want to care though, cause caring brings suffering. All the people I care about now don't bring me down in the slightest, I don't get any shit from them. To me that's how it should be. If you care about someone you shouldn't give them shit. You shouldn't make them feel bad. Definately not on purpose.
What also annoys me is, every man I meet nowadays wants to be more than a friend, when most the time I only want to be their friend. So I blank them, because it'd be harsh to continue meeting up with them, even if they know that's all you see them as, cause they'll always want more. It's cruel. I think I'm going to spend the next 14 years with no more friends than I already have, cause by the time I'm 35 everyone will have calmed down and matured.
Oh yeah, I had a nightmare, the tweenies were in it. Think I dreamt about them cause there's this pantomime writer who's from Coventry, and my mother was telling me how he came up with and wrote the tweenies. I said I hated him now.
Wish dad would hrry up with the cigarettes he's bringing me. I'm going to have to roll another -_- Once dad's brought me the cigarettes, I'm gunna make some dinner and watch some more Charlie Jade. Hmm, I should probably give my cousin a ring to, as I'll be going biking with him tomorrow, also my mum to see if she has any hair bands. My hair's long enough to put in a hair band! Woo!
Anyway, going to roll another cigarette and ring some people.

-Julia