1 more week until I'm out! I need to sort out things today which I didn't yesterday, gotta go sort another bank account at the cov building society. They call it The Coventry now, my brother was commenting on this a while ago, he said it's a bit retarded, you know, putting The in front of a name. The Paris. The Brown. The Julia. He has a point. But hey, he forgets, we ARE in Coventry after all! Hmm, well he's not most of the time, he's in Sheffield in his last year of university. He wants to join the Navy after he finishes, my brother's a lot more happy-go-lucky than me, very chilled out, nothing much bothers him. Sometimes he shows me certain disrespect I never let anyone else get away with, but I guess he is my sibling.
We're good friends, me and my brother. We used to hate each other when we were kids, he was always winding me up, and I'd be screaming to mum 'Hugh's punched me!' or whatever he did. He turned around and said a few weeks ago that when we were kids he used to treat me like he treats Marmaduke [mum's cat], he'd walk past and then just randomly smack me over the head. He said when he started smoking weed he saw no point. He doesn't smoke it anymore of course, he quit years ago as did I.
I also need to call a few people and get hold of a rolling machine because if I go anymore into my overdraft I'm fucked.
I'm sitting here drinking a cheaper version of red bull, my throat still hurts a bit but most of the cold is gone. I was round my mums for dinner last night again, and I put to words what I've been doing for years: running. I haven't been running away, I face everything, but I have been running. I've never had a period in these 8 years where I've been able to slow down or stop and take a break, I've been running, because it's easier to cope when you've got other things on your mind. Unfortunately I've added a load of other traumatic memories to the basket. None of it bothers me anymore, I'm not going to say I've learnt to let go, because I still may not have let go, I've thought I had in the past but it turned out I hadn't. It feels like a load of wieght has been lifted though. I think things, and they just flow through me now.
I think it's time to stop running. I think it's time for a rest. Time to recuperate before I go back into the wilderness. A few weeks ago mum said something to me which I found incredibly ironic and patronizing, she said 'welcome to the real world' [we were on about bills etc.] It really angered me, because I was forced out into the real world before I should have by her. I've been in this cruel harsh reality since I was 13. Ok, so I haven't had money worries, not really, but I think what I've had is much worse.
I'm going to hide away for a bit, and pretend the rest of the world is hunky dory, rest and get back on my feet, so next time it'll be harder to knock me down. Take things day by day, read, watch movies, write random posts on here, see friends, get my kittens, and just let my mind and body rest.
It's just time.
I don't think I need to change. I just think I need to stop caring so much. There's nothing wrong with me, and ok, I'm not happy, but I am happy with who I am, what I am, and I'm not going change unless someone gives me damn good reason. Or makes me realise something. I'm not going to let people fuck with my head anymore. I'm fine as I am, and if others have a problem with it then I don't want to know them. I probably don't want to know them anyway.
Anyway, I think I need to give my cousin a ring, and get ready for the day.
Over and out.